I knew this school year was going to be challenging; we knew we would be moving and making changes that we felt the Holy Spirit calling us to. Right now, I feel like we are hanging on a mustard seed. The date is circled to put the house up for sale, there is much packing and projects to see through, and I find myself sometimes paralyzed with anxiety.
He’s given me a job that I cannot do.
I cannot pack up a house, do full-time ministry, be a present and loving wife and mom, nourish my relationship with Christ, and write this blog all at once.
I’m scared of sharing my anxiety and fear; I’m supposed to be the one that everyone else can lean on, and it freaks me out that I have my own worry. As much as I listen and answer questions about faith and being bold, I am hanging on a mustard seed right now.
Right now, I want answers. I want to know where we are going to settle down and what schools my children will be in next year. I want to know exactly what our family’s budget will be. I want to know where I will be food shopping a year from now. I want to know what the answers are for my kids (who are very unique from one another)- what is right for them socially, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to know if I will have a back yard or a dog.
I want a map, and I want it now.
But He hasn’t given that to me.
He’s asked for me to give Him my mustard seed and to trust. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I’m angry about that. I’m doing my best to not to be angry, but I am. I’m ready for answers, and He tells me, “I am enough.”
He’s asking me to believe in uncomfortable ways today. I hate this feeling. And yet I know this place, right here, is necessary. It’s necessary for me for me to be unsettled to be used by Him. It’s necessary for me to see Him move the mountains with my mustard seed; otherwise, it would be about what I could do, and not what He can do.
Perhaps you know the feeling. Perhaps you’re feeling it right now- paralyzed and overwhelmed, and I would like more than anything to give you a map. All I can tell you is that I’m right there with you…praying, wondering, battling warfare in my heart, counting my blessings, being tired, and surrendering myself each and every minute. That’s my map. It’s invisible and yet present. It’s asking me to trust more and watch it all happen without my fear and worrying. It’s a faith builder, and it’s a beast.
I’m shaking my jar of mustard seeds, and it’s rattling my heart.
Father God, Be with us right now. Show us what You do. Help us to be brave and trusting. Amen.